A Letter From Canadaland

Maybe I Should Write Myself A Letter

2011-01-29T09:40:00.001-08:00

It's been a good run.

This blog was a great idea when I came up with it and I've had some hilarious responses from the companies I've contacted, but I've realized that it just isn't something I'm going to keep updating.

I'm a writer, and the purpose of this blog was to give me another creative and fun outlet for my verbosity, one that I really did enjoy working on. Unfortunately, I didn't really craft enough structure into the blog to make it something that I would come back to on a regular basis; it was always "I'll get to it tomorrow", and suddenly it had been six months.

Since I can't leave well enough alone I'm not done blogging and I've started a new project called One Day, One Thousand in which I am attempting to write a 1,000 word story every day for a year. It's hard but fun and I'm hoping the schedule will force me to stick with it.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you take a gander at my other work!

- Doug

The CTV Letter - Final Stages Commencing

2010-05-31T15:31:00.000-07:00

Greetings, all.

The letter is written. All that is left is editing and the ceremonial sending, which shall happen later on the in the week. Expect an update post-haste.

Fo' Realz

2010-05-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

The letter is coming.

We say this every time there's a big gap between post and letter, and we'd love to tell you it's in order to increase suspense or some BS, but it's because we're busy. Turns out the business of being in the writing business actually takes alot more time that we thought. We naturally assumed our foray into the world of writing would lead to us sitting on sunlight patios deep in thought while we swirled our '02 Merlot, but instead it's led to a frantic clattering of keys and a keyboard with a mysterious greasy sheen and a not so mysterious pile of potato chip crumbs.

The point is, we're still here, still Canadian, and still mad about the Olympics. The letter is coming soon. Just bear with us.

Remember, patience is a truly Canadian virtue, along with high whiskey intake.

The Gold Standard in Crap

2010-04-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

For years, perhaps since the dawn of time, perhaps since the permafrost thinned out enough to allow human habitation in the wilds of Canada, one company has been responsible for broadcasting the Olympics.

That company was the government-sponsored Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC). During the last several Olympic games, CBC featured catchy theme songs, a kitschy host who wore ridiculous sweaters – especially during the ever-so-Canadian Winter Olympics, and a dedication to showing Olympic coverage 24/7 while the games were taking place.

You see, we here at Canadaland studios are not sports fanatics. Oh, we like the CFL and NHL well enough, but not so much that we really know who plays for what team, or how exactly every rule in the game works. You want to pull on that guy's face mask, or slash him across the wrist to get the puck? Seems fair to us.

But the Olympics are something else entirely, something special. They are the pinnacle of amateur sport, of athletes at their peak. We're still not pleased that some professional athletes are allowed to compete, most notably in basketball, but basketball is perhaps the most awful sport in the world to watch, next to Northeastern Russian Seal Racing, so it's not really that big a deal. We can live with whiny professional athletes if it means that we get to see Olympic sports.

The Olympics make us a bit crazy. When they come on, so does our TV, and it stays on all day every day. We want sports all the time when the Olympics are on, sort of like that guy in your office who always wants a piece of cake, and you're like "dude, could you be any fatter?", but you can't really say anything because he's the bosses nephew.

We are the bosses nephew in this case, and our craving for the cakey goodness that is the Olympics only happens once every 2 years, so leave us alone already you big mean jerks – it's a glandular problem!

The point.

Is that CBC did a great job of giving us Olympic coverage of even the most obscure sports every minute of every day during the Olympics. 2am and you want to know how the cross-country freestyle pairs sudden-death biathlon went? Just turn to CBC. 9pm and you want to see the highlight of that figure skater who did the "triple flip double axle big-rig"? CBC's got you covered.

Sadly, the right to cover the Vancouver 2010 Olympics was lost by CBC to another company, CTV, in a bidding war. They managed to harangue the host of the CBC Olympics team into joining them, so we had moderate hopes, at least.

It was awful. The entire two weeks of Olympic coverage played like one giant, broken high-light reel. There were pre-event interviews, post-event dissections and profiles of the athletes. There were panel discussions and very strange conversations with minor celebrities, Canadian and American, for no reason.

Oh, the sports? Yeah not so much. Results of events that didn't feature a prominent Canadian were simply reported in a 2-minute sound byte, and the ones that did feature our athletes showed precious little else.

And the sweaters? Gone. Replaced instead by Armani suits, slicked-back hair, and some extra-douchy announcer we'd never seen before. It was a mockery of true Olympic coverage, which highlights skill, focus, and the fact that Canadians have too much time on their hands.

So get ready CTV, a letter is coming, on behalf of Canadians everywhere who know that its not about how many medals Canada wins, or how many times the Americans screw up. It's about camaraderie, spectacle and true emotion.

And beer. Beer is good too.

Oh, and chips.

Look, the point is – CTV you suck and read our letter.

Beer.

Yup, Still Here

2010-04-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

We know, this happens about once a month.

You're stopping by to see us on a regular basis, and suddenly we disappear into the Twisting Nether. Sadly, such is the life of freelance and creative writers.

But we're still here, and we've got a couple of letters cooking. The first one is going to be about the recent Vancouver 2010 Olympics, which, while fantastic, were distinctly lacking in anything resembling useful coverage. This offends us, so naturally a letter must be written.

We'll keep in touch, and don't give up on us just yet. We Canadians are a tenacious folk.

Masters of the Card – The Letter Goeth

2010-04-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

To Whom it May Concern,

It’s funny.

I’m not a big credit-card supporter. I’ve gotten into more debt trouble with those things than in any other way (my own fault, admittedly). Unfortunately, I also know having at least one is necessary in our credit-crazed society, and I understand that along with a credit card comes the inevitable marketing, the up-selling of “balance protection”, random “cheques” arriving at my house, and a periodic bombardment of calls about the company’s “service”.

Notice I’ve put those terms in quotes, because none of them are real. “Balance protection” isn’t really an accurate description – “taking small amounts of money monthly from suckers” would be more to the point but probably doesn’t fit well into brochures. The “cheques” I get are an attempt to get me to treat my card as cash, which is possibly the worst mistake a human can make, aside from taking the blue pill rather than the red pill if you get offered it in a the-world-is-not-real type of scenario. Similarly, the concept of “service” at most credit card companies bears more resemblance to kicking small puppies than helping mankind…but I digress.

I had a Capital One MasterCard. You don’t need the card number, since I’ve cancelled it, but I’m writing this letter on principle, and good old Canadian grit. This MasterCard was serviceable. It did the job I needed it to do. It had a nice low credit limit, and was something I could fall back on in times of need or hardship. I didn’t even carry it in my wallet – it got to hang out in the top drawer of my dresser, my underpants keeping it secure. But then, one day, after years of steadfast non-service, I received an innocuous looking letter in the mail.

This letter stated that to “benefit me”, my card would be changing to a fee-per-year model. The only way to prevent this from happening was to call your company and cancel the card. If I had done nothing, not received the letter or thrown it away unopened, I would have suddenly been on the hook for a yearly $30 hit. I probably should have seen this coming. Had I bothered to read my credit card agreement in detail, I’m sure it would have shown that you have the ability to start such a fee plan, in addition using my likeness for advertising purposes and renting out my house to a band of travelling carnival workers.

I should have known better, should have been smarter, but that doesn’t make it right, doesn’t
make it honorable. As strange as this may seem in the corporate world, the customer is actually what drives business. No, really. We’re the ones who pay the interest and use the cards that keep you in business. You’ve not “doing us a favor” by granting us the boon of your credit cards. We’re keeping you afloat.

So here’s what I’m suggesting in the future – a phone call. I know, I know. It’s a shocker. Try this out next time, and I’d imagine that the results will be better. First, call the client whose card you’re going to suddenly change for the worse. Ask him if he wants to keep the card. Write down “oh dear God one thousand times no”, which will be his response to your question. Move on to the next call. This will save both parties time, money, and aggravation.

Let me be perfectly clear. Credit cards are a necessary evil, one that I can bear to live with under typical conditions. But a company that operates on the premise that I will either be too lazy or too stupid to cancel my card in the event of an upcoming, unavoidable fee raise represents its own special brand of suck.

This letter is for all Canadians, quietly brooding over their credit card’s poor service as they drink their double-double, silently cursing at the owner of the car parked too close to theirs, before asking them to politely move. These are my Canadian brothers, fuming inside but unable to let any anger escape, save for a small steam-powered stream of polite deferrals and passive-aggressive deflections.

No more, brothers, sisters! This letter is for you. So enjoy my response-letter to your letter. A counter-response form letter is anticipated. I’m sure it will serve me better.

Sincerely,

Letter Sent: 12:30pm Mar 27, 2010

Still Here. Still Canada.

2010-03-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

Oh hi.

Yes, we're still around. Sadly, the MasterCard we've been meaning to send has gone unsent in the last few weeks as we've been dealing with the final stages of the CanadaCar being damaged by a fellow apparently desperate to get to work. Go figure.

In any case, the MasterCard letter will follow shortly, unless we get in some sort of second, freak, accident. This is thankfully unlikely, but anything is possible here in Canadaland. We're a land of wonderment, maple syrup, and oh yes – many, many gold medals.

Strangely, there's a letter coming about that.

Stay tuned! Stay literate! Stay Canadaloving!

Shoppers Drug Mart – The Response

2010-03-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

Hello, world.

As promised, here is a transcript and photo of the letter from Shoppers Drug Mart. Again, our name is not really “Canadaland”, but it sure does look good on paper. We’re actually sending these out under a real name, but secret identities are cool.

So read, and enjoy. How could you not, really?

February 2, 2010

Hello Mr. Canadaland,

Thank you for taking the time to provide your comments with respect to our store layout. It is not our intention to frustrate or upset our customers.

At Shoppers Drug Mart our entire philosophy is based on the understanding of care and concern for our customers. Rest assured it is certainly not our intent to adversely affect the health or well-being of anyone who comes through our doors.

This type of layout, which features the cosmetics department at the main entrance, has been implemented in some of our stores. Rest assured your comments and concerns are extremely important to our company’s continued success and we have forwarded your concern to our Store Concepts department. We will continue to monitor this concern for future consideration.

Thank you once again for brining this matter to our attention and allowing us the opportunity to improve our services to our customers.

Regards,
Sandra
Customer Service

Frankly, this response is not that bad. The cookie letter basically told us that their cookies were awesome and that the name they had used was the best ever. That letter had lots of “thank you” and “your concern is important” nonsense in it, but they didn’t really mean it. 98% of that response was a form letter they send out to any customer complaints.

Maybe 50% of this one is. It still has the hallmarks of consumer-response letter – phrases like “rest assured” and “continued success”, but it actually speaks, albeit in a small amount, to the issue at hand.

Sure, they’re going to forward our concern on to “Store Concepts” which may mean “the metal bin in the corner with crumpled paper in it”, but at least they’re giving some hope that the issue will be looked at.

It won’t, of course, but that’s not the point.

Perhaps the best part of the letter from our perspective is the part where Sandra states that “it is certainly not our intent to adversely affect the health or well-being of anyone who comes through our doors”

We couldn’t have said it better. That make-up counter as the public’s only entrance and the dismal air of overly primped and primed makeup techs is certainly affecting both my health and well-being, but Shoppers obviously doesn’t see it that way.

We’ve received a great deal of feedback about the original letter, almost all of it from people who have noticed this very same problem.

Is anything going to get done? Probably not.

But good on you, Shoppers, for reading our original letter and sending a reply that wasn’t complete junk. That’s the best we can really hope for, these days.

Make me up before you go-go

2010-02-24T14:20:00.000-08:00

Another letter has arrived here at Canadaland studios, this time as a response to the very first letter we ever sent out.

That's right – Shopper's Drug Mart has responded. To their credit the letter is not entirely formulaic, and it does have some mention of the issues we so wittily raised, but it still has the indelible mark of their PR department on it. Nonetheless, expect a detailed update soon with a photo and transcript of that letter, as well as our sent letter to MasterCard.

The good times just keep on rollin'.

Masters of the Card, They Ain't

2010-02-09T09:30:00.001-08:00

Even here in Canada, we have credit cards.

Oh sure, we use them for hockey bats and curling nets, but we've got them.

And we hate them, just like Americans.

Well – scratch that – I suppose we have a love/hate relationship with them. They allow us to buy things we could never normally afford, and probably shouldn't ever buy. They're great at the beginning of the month, and horrible at the end (insert terrible female-related joke here).

But we all have them. And frankly, I was willing to deal with their ridiculous interest rates and ever-increasing limits, combined with their fun card names. A "platypus emerald executive-class card"? Sign me up!

I could even live with the "cheques" they would periodically send, which inherently assumed I was stupid enough to believe that credit card money was "real" money.

Seriously. I could live with all of that. I'm a patient man.

But then it happened. A nice, plain-white letter from Capital One MasterCard arrived. I've had a MasterCard with them for, oh, four or five years now, at least. I didn't use it for much, always keep it paid off, etc. It was nice to have around if I needed it and – here's the important part – it had no yearly fee.

So, this letter arrives and I open it, expecting more cheques to shred. But oh no. Instead, I have a letter which states that if I don't respond by such-and-such a day, my card will automatically become a fee-per-year card.

Say what now?

So if I do nothing, just leave things as they are, I will suddenly start being charged money? I have to contact them directly to prevent them from automatically taking money from my wallet and shoving it into their greedy maw?

Oh, and the best part? It was to "serve me better". Yeah, I totally buy that. If there's one industry known for its charity and dedication to service, its the credit industry. For sure.

So, needless to say, I did call. There was a chat, mostly involving yours truly informing the good people at MasterCard that Canadians don't respond well to threats or ultimatums. I'd have threatened them in return with a peacekeeping mission, but I doubt Canada has the numbers to entirely surround the MasterCard head office.

The card got cancelled, and the day was won.

But then I got to thinking. Who else have they done this to, that either didn't call or didn't notice, and is now getting charged a fee? Who else have they crushed under the plastic-coated, number-encrusted boot heel of their oppression?

Frankly, I have no idea, but its time for another letter.

Yup, Canada is Still Here

2010-01-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

And we're colder than ever.

That's like our thing, really.

We here at Canadaland Studios are also still here, being outraged, angry, and irrationally annoyed on your behalf. You're welcome, BTW.

We are in the process of getting new material out, but the bills have got to get paid, and shockingly letter writing is not the most lucrative business. Who knew?

But don't give up on us. We're like that plucky Jamaican bobsled team at the 1988 Olympics in Calgary that rose to the top of their field through grit, determination, and luck. And as far as I can tell from watching everything but the last five minutes of "Cool Runnings", they for sure won the gold and carried the day.

Was that a comparison between hurtling down an icy track at blistering speeds and writing an Internet blog? Why yes, yes it was. It's why you love us. We'll be back soon with more stories of ridiculous company shenanigans, so don't go a-changin'.

A Letter Sent...

2010-01-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently does actually equal a letter returned.

Canadaland studios has in fact received a reply from Western Family Foods (more universally known as Overwaitea – which is a hilarious name for a chain of grocery stores, by the way) which is deeply personal and moving.

Or not.

It's an excellent example of a stereotypical form letter, nicely accentuated with what appears to be an actual ink signature. Fancy!

Below is the letter in all of its white bond paper glory, so please enjoy.

The text should be readable if you click on the image, but if it isn't or you don't feel like taking the effort (wow, way to be lazy), here's a transcript:

Overwaitea Food Group

December 22, 2009

Dear Aletterfromcanadaland,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us in regards to our advertising on our Western Family products. We take great pride in our products and always appreciate customer feedback.

Comments have been very positive regarding our product; our continued goal is to provide quality products that meet or exceed our customer's expectations. Hopefully you will continue to enjoy our Western Family items for many years to come.

Once again, thanks for positive feedback. If you have any further comments or questions, please do not hesitate to contact us directly by phone 1 800 242-9229 or by email at customer_service@owfg.com

Sincerely,

Pam, customer service

A few notes on this thing. First, I can't believe my parents named me Aletterfromcanadaland either. What are the chances?

Second, it doesn't look like a job offer to work in their product promotions department is coming my way anytime soon. Oh, they briefly allude to the fact that I wasn't happy with their product and that they disagreed – "comments have been very positive regarding our product" – but that's just their way of saying "you're stupid".

What I quite enjoy is how they thank me for my "positive feedback". I wasn't positive. At all.

My intent wasn't to be negative, either, merely constructive. Slightly offensively constructive, for certain, but constructive none the less. I was in no way excited or positive about their product. Everyone I've spoken to about these cookies agrees they have a terrible name, and honestly, I've never met anyone whose actually eaten them. Take that, "comments have been very positive"!!

Overall, I'm happy with this response, since it fulfills both of the criteria I was looking for.

1) It's a response. 2) It's formulaic, and therefore hilarious. That's what we call a win-win here at Canadaland studios.

XM Radio – The Letter

2010-01-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

To Whom It May Concern,

In October of 2007 I began using your XM radio service, and it was stellar. You captured me with the gentle strains of uninterrupted adult contemporary and alt-rock bliss.

After the free trial ran out, I purchased a year's subscription, and then a year later, another. Unfortunately, it now seems that your company has veered off the straight and narrow road to radio success and on to the twisting highway of fail.

I pay you to play music. That's it. It's why I pay you. Public radio – which is free, by the way – has commercials and lots of talking which bears no resemblance to music, because it has to pay the bills. I, and the other millions of consumers who pay you, keep you in business.

Let me lay it out. I pay you to play music. I do not, and will never, pay you to have people talk.

But now it’s happened.

Entertainment news on the hits channel? Don't care. Paying to listen to the hits. I have a television, Internet, and iPhone if I want the latest gossip. The "Morning Mash-up" breakfast show? Oh. Dear God. No. One thousand times no.

Maybe your market research was poor, or maybe you just didn't do the math, but the last time a morning show was actually funny was in 1986 in Grand Falls, Montana, at 2:56am when one of the announcers made a slightly humorous pun involving Alan Frew.

Since then, no one in the entire world has found the collection of braying hyenas and caterwauling ravens featured on these kinds of shows anything but eye-gougingly annoying.

I was just too trusting, too naive.

Let me quickly run off how a business works for you, just in case you've missed it, because something sure went wrong somewhere.

1) Make a product people will pay for – this was the innovative idea of paid-for (but commercial and talk-free!) radio.

2) Deliver said product – this was accomplished by developing the XM radio network and actually playing music.

3) Improve said product – adding new channels, even odder types of music, “music” in no definable sense except to three college kids in Eastern Massachusetts, that sort of thing.

4) Don't $#%@ it up – see, this is where there's a disconnect. 1, 2 and 3 are straight forward, but you seem to be using #5, which is not on the list and states

5) Start changing the product to closely resemble one which can be obtained for free. This will convince stupid consumers, who we hate, to keep buying our awesome product due to our inherent awesomeness.

See how that works? Or doesn’t, in your case?

You've failed me, XM, and all of those like me who love music and not talking on the radio they pay for. This money train stops here, and it is never going back into service, not even if the conductor gets one of those jaunty “railroady” type hats. Never!

So adios, XM radio! Keep your morning shows and entertainment news bites. I'll head back to good old public radio. They don't make promises they don't keep. Their forced familiarity and incessant mattress commercials both bore and anger me, but at least I’m not paying for it.

Warmest Regards,

Letter Sent Jan 9, 2010 1:14pm

New Stuff a-comin' – For Reals!

2010-01-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

Hello all.

The XM letter is on its way, I promise. Just bear with Canadaland Studios a few more days. As well, I've received my first response from a company – the makers of "Blast o' Chunks" have responded with a well thought-out and deeply personal letter. I'll be posting it in its entirety soon.

So, stay tuned in, don't go away, put that remote down, etc., because we here in Canadaland have much more hilarity to bring.

Post-Holiday Posting

2010-01-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hi, World.

Just letting you know – I'm still here. Had a printer issue here at the Canadaland studios – in that we don't have one – so, I'm having to outsource my letter printing process. Fear not, however, for a letter shall be up by the end of the week.

In related news, I actually did cancel my XM account. Talked to a real person and everything. He kindly offered to sell me a year's subscription at $96 rather than $120 dollars, which is like saying he was going to charge me only $10 instead of $12 for bottled tap water when there's a working sink down the hall and I have an empty bottle in my hand.

Needless to say, he was rebuffed.

XM Radio – Thanks, Chatty Cathy

2009-12-30T09:53:00.000-08:00

We Canadians like our music. Whether it's the Canadian National Anthem, the Log Driver's Waltz, or the Hockey Night in Canada theme (see: Canadian National Anthem), we're a musical people.

But we're not big on the talking. Oh, we can talk when we have to, and people around the world love our bland, accent-free delivery, but we'd prefer not to. There are so few of us up here in Canadaland anyway we all know what the other ones are thinking. So, when my wife and I discovered the glory that was XM radio, our Canadian hearts were overjoyed!

It initially came with the purchase of a new car, and we didn't think we'd ever bother extending it beyond the bounds of the free trial afforded us. But then we realized the majesty of the thing. There were so many channels! I could drive to work listening to "The King of Wishful Thinking" and with a quick press of a button, rock out to "Anything for Love" by Meatloaf. And the best part was – no talking!

There were no announcers, telling me what I was listening to, following it up with the promise of weather and traffic in three minutes, and then making some sort of comment which I always assumed was intended to be a joke, but since it was devoid of all matter even remotely considered humorous by any portion of the world's population, I wondered why they bothered.

But XM! Oh, the glory! Oh sure, after the free trial it cost money but it was worth it. I got music but no talking. It was like getting all steak with none of the pesky vegetables.

Of course, it couldn't last. I started to hear, faintly, the strident voice of radio announcers, thin and reedy in the streelit night, calling out the names of songs like some kind of flightless bird's mating call. I began to hear a few comments, obviously intend to garner laughter, but I ignored them – they were as the distant waves on a broken shore to me.

But then it happened. Something so foul, so noxious, that I was surprised my radio didn't melt right off of the dash and puddle in the floor mats below. Something spoken of only in whispers, for fear that to speak its name would bring it's hateful eye upon you.

The morning show.

Even now, it gives me chills. I still remember the day I tuned in to one of my go-to stations, only to find the "classic" combination – two guys and one girl – yakking away, and taking phone calls from listeners. The radio apocalypse had come.

XM, I pay for service. PAY FOR IT. Why on this ever-blackening earth would I pay you for something I can get for free? Let's hope you've got an answer, because a letter is en route. Once you get it, you can talk all about it on your morning shows.

Happy Christmas

2009-12-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

Greetings, world.

It's cold up here in Canadaland this Christmas, but rest assured we have not stopped being outraged on your behalf.

I have a few letters ready to go after the holiday season passes, so expect to see them up sometime in the next week or, failing that, after New Years.

No responses yet from any of the first letters sent out, but I expect they're still marvelling at my shining skill and wit. We Canadalandians are a clever people. Very cold, but clever.

So I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a hilarious, anger-filled Boxing Day, resulting in many worthy letter requests.

Cloverdale Paint - The Letter

2009-12-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing to you on behalf of consumers across this great nation of ours who may have encountered your strange and utterly unfathomable "two-part epoxy policy".

From what I understand, your stores currently adhere to a policy which will not allow them to sell quantities of two-part epoxy to the general public as it is "too volatile".

I've done my homework, via the Interwebs, and strangely I don't see a great many "child dies in preventable epoxy accident" or "man's face melts off while using store-bought epoxy" articles.

Hmm.

But hey, perhaps your company was simply trying to be responsible – to actively prevent any harm from coming to your customers, despite a lack of any real danger. Commendable!

But...wait.

It appears to be that policy of your stores is to refuse to sell the epoxy to an individual, but for a company, it's "how much would you like? Three truckloads? Yessir, right away sir!"

This wouldn't be a particular problem, except your individual customers are being given company forms, with a choice of either a cash or credit sale and told if they simply fill them out, they can have all the epoxy they want, all the time.

So....let's just think this whole thing through.

Customers who want to buy epoxy. Check!

Epoxy being dangerous. Check! (sort of)

Refusal to sell anyone except a company epoxy. Check!

Simple forms to fill out so anyone can create a fake company and buy gallons of (supposedly dangerous) epoxy? Check?

Honestly, Cloverdale, way to download responsibility on to the customer. "Hey!", you can say now, "We had no idea Al-Queda Contracting and Demolition was up to anything untoward! They had the company credit form all filled out!".

And really, how could you be responsible if "I hate my ex-wife and want to blow up her house using epoxy, Inc. (TM)" had purchased ten gallons of epoxy and done just that? I mean, they had a cash form filled out, for crying out loud!

Two-part epoxy is easily purchasable at other supply stores, and without the same rigmarole that takes place at Cloverdale. As a safety measure, this policy is ridiculous, and as a responsibility dump onto the consumer, it's laughable.

Just sell the epoxy, Cloverdale – it's that damn paint thinner that's really the trouble, anyway – that crap is dangerous.

Someone should probably make a form.

Warmest Regards,

Letter Sent 5:17pm Dec 15th, 2009

Cloverdale Paint - The Incident

2009-12-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

This one comes from a friend of mine, who was trying to purchase some two-part epoxy which is, you know, for epoxying stuff.

He had intially tried going to Home Depot, which is a whole seperate incident and chain of letters in and of itself. Seriously - if you're going to wear a smock that says "You can do it, we can help", you should probaby know, oh, lets say – where the hell stuff is in the store.

It would go a looong way toward that whole "I can help" concept, rather than it being an "I can stare dumbly at you while you ask where bolts are, then wave vaguely down the length of the store and tell you its in aisle 13 or maybe 112...I think" concept. Great value there, yessir.

Anyhoo....

My friend went to buy some epoxy. As mentioned, Home Depot could not help him (grumble).

So, he went to Cloverdale Paint. And what did they tell him? That they could not sell him the epoxy because it was "too volatile". Now, since it was Halloween and the woman saying this to him was dressed up like a caveperson, it prompted him to say "are you serious?".

She was, sadly.

But, she told him, if he would just care to fill out a company registration form, he could have his epoxy right now! He had his choice: cash account or credit account.

My friend, being the honest soul he is, chose not to create a blantanly fake company and purchase his epoxy. Well done, sir.

But Cloverdale paints - really? You don't want the responsibiliy of selling this apparently "volatile" product to the general public so you just download that responsibilty to the consumer by allowing an immediate cash purchase as long as the customer can come up with a company?

Wait right here, Cloverdale paints lady! I'm going to go to my truck and totally...not...make up a bogus company and then come back in here. Not at all. Gotta go.

Enjoy your letter, Cloverdale. It's deserved.

Western Family Foolishness – The Letter

2009-11-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

To Whom it May Concern,

I am long-time buyer and eater of your foods. I have enjoyed your bread, your ice cream, and even your salad dressings for many a year.

I have a Save-on-Foods quite near my home, and I go there regularly for my weekly grocery needs. Sometimes I laugh at your amusing product names, and I know that you are forced to deal with a competitive market, one in which many of the good and clever brand names are already taken.

I’ve had the long-defunct "Dr. Buzz", your Dr. Pepper alternative, and liked it. I’ve never eaten Fruity-O’s, but I can imagine what they taste like.

And I wonder, Western Family Foods, what your advertising department looks like. Is it just one lonely guy, working out of his basement, watching television ads and surfing the Internet, hoping to find a clever product name and then rip it off into something different enough that it will pass copyright, but derivative enough that it will be clear what he is copying?

Or do you have a team of Rhesus monkeys with a bin of magnetic words and a large fridge that they hurl them at?

I can only imagine it is the latter after stumbling on to this gem of a brand name in the cookie aisle: Blast O’ Chunks.

Really?

I mean….really?

I can give you five names better than that right here, right now.

Blast O’ Chips. Chunks O’ Cookie. Chips Galore. A Ton O’ Chunks. Chunky McCookerson’s Chocolate Explosions.

See? All of them better than Blast O’ Chunks.

I’m not sure if there was a quality control process here, but if so, it failed miserably. As a public service, I’ll act as quality control here and now, so perhaps this problem can be rectified.

This product sounds like a euphemism for vomiting.

That’s right, vomiting.

If the intention is, and I can only assume that it is, to have consumers purchase this product, it needs to convey the idea that it is full of yummy-tasting (presumably) chocolate-chip cookies. As it stands, despite the picture on the box, it sounds like a container full of vomit.

Unsurprisingly, vomit is a poor seller.

I understand the need for products such as this, and in fact, I appreciate it. There are have been several times in which I have found a grocery store brand product to be superior to the "real thing". This may even be one of those cases, but I’ll never know, and neither will anyone else, with a name like this.

While it may not be feasible to alter this product name now that it is on the market, I offer this helpful general suggestion – once the monkeys have finished their shift and gone home for the day, have a human look over their work before sending it straight to printing. In fact, have that human say it out loud a few times, think about what it might look like to have it on millions and millions of boxes. I can just about guarantee you’d sell more Chunky Blasts that way.

Warmest Regards

Letter Sent 11:39am Dec 8, 2009

Western Family Foolishness – The Item

2009-11-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

This one doesn’t really require a lot of explanation.

A picture is worth a thousand words, as they say – or in this case, 2 and ¼.

Wow. Just. Wow.

Seriously, Shoppers Drug Mart – The Letter

2009-11-24T11:26:00.001-08:00

To Whom it May Concern,

I am long-time and somewhat sporadic customer of your stores. I remember having a Shoppers Drug Mart in my neighbourhood as a child, sterile and over-white, with cheap Christmas gifts and a large pharmacy.

Frankly, the Shoppers Drug Mart was never the place I went for everything I needed, but when I felt sick, or needed a prescription filled, your institutional white floors and buzzing overhead fluorescent lighting called to me. I knew that I would be able to find what I needed, at a fairly decent price.

But as I became older, you began to change. Suddenly, the Shoppers down the street had an entire grocery section and started to sell digital cameras. Odd, I thought, that someone would shop there when Shoppers insisted on building their new stores next to preexisting grocery stores, but I paid it little mind.

And then one day, it happened.

I walked into a store and assumed I must have taken a wrong turn. I retraced my steps, but found only one path leading from the front entry way. I searched in vain for a hidden switch along the wall, or a copy of InStyle Magazine I could pull to reveal a dark passage to the main floor of the store.

Cautiously, I followed the trail laid out for me, and confirmed my worst fears. The entry to the store led to one point and one point only: The Makeup Section.

I've been to other, newer, stores, and this design is repeated again and again. I have only one question – is it your intention to lose business?

As a man, I have no need for makeup products, and thus no need to enter via that section. Ever. I do not buy makeup products for my wife, as that would result in her returning them and marvelling at my lack of a color palette.

Oh but the women! The women, I hear you cry. Are you serious? Most people come to the Shoppers Drug Mart to buy drugs or health products, not cameras, or their weekly groceries, or makeup. Further, many people come into your store sick.

Do you really believe they want to be greeted by the dead-eyed overly made-up harpies that guard your borders when it took them all the courage they had simply to leave the house in the hope that no one would notice them so they could quickly get their medicine and return home to a warm blanket?

And if your intention was to limit thievery by making a choke point entry to the store, does it really make sense to force people into the section of the store containing some of the most expensive items there? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no.

Shoppers Drug Mart, shame on you. No one is served by this change, and it is totally ridiculous. You know it. I know it. Just give it up. I, the women of the country, and the overburdened and overly madeup makeup staff of your stores will thank you.

Warmest Regards

Letter Sent 6:57pm Dec 2, 2009

Seriously, Shoppers Drug Mart – The Incident

2009-11-24T11:19:00.000-08:00

So it's March of 2009.

Or maybe it's winter of '08.

Frankly, it doesn't matter. I'd noticed it several times, but there was one particular time that got me really riled up, and I thought – someone should write a letter.

You see, there's a new design among Shoppers Drug Mart stores, one that has been duplicated in every store I've been into in the last year. In this new model, the customer must walk directly through the makeup section to access any of the rest of the store.

How does this make any sense? I, as a man, have no need of makeup. Not every woman heading to the Shoppers Drug Mart, is there to buy makeup. Many people, in fact, go to the Shoppers when they are feeling bad, and look like crap, because Shoppers Drug Mart sells, well, drugs!

This design choice makes no sense and someone needs to tell Shoppers that. I am that someone.

Will it change? Not likely. Ah, but will it change if I do nothing? Not at all. Plus, it won't be as funny.

Take it away, letter number one!

Times, they are a-chagin'

2009-11-24T11:02:00.000-08:00

Greetings, world.

Welcome to A Letter from Canadaland, an idea I had a few months ago when walking into a Shopper's Drug Mart.

You see, I'm a Canadian. We Canadians are a helpful, peaceful, and generally clean people. We don't cause any trouble, and we try our hardest to elect the blandest, most banal politicians we can. People often forget we exist, tucked way up here on top of America's head, and that's sort of the way we like it.

Oh, we complain and whine about how Canada isn't getting its due on the global stage, but that's about all we do. We don't bomb people, we don't riot in the streets and flip cars (with a few exceptions – Montréal, I'm looking at you, here), we just get indignant and let it stew up inside our maple-filled and backbacon-coated hearts.

Well, no longer! No longer, I say! I will take up the crusade of all Canadians against stupidity and ridiculousness in a way which is utterly Canadian – The Strongly Worded Letter.

Each week, I will be writing a letter to a company or organization, detailing their utter ridiculousness and what I think they should do about it. This will be a real, honest-to-goodness paper letter that will be postmarked and sent. The reply (if any) will also be posted.

So check back! What did Shopper's Drug Mart do to garner the wrath of Canadaland and begin this wild ride? Only time (and more realistically, this Blog when you come back next week), will tell.