Western Family Foolishness – The Letter

To Whom it May Concern,

I am long-time buyer and eater of your foods. I have enjoyed your bread, your ice cream, and even your salad dressings for many a year.

I have a Save-on-Foods quite near my home, and I go there regularly for my weekly grocery needs. Sometimes I laugh at your amusing product names, and I know that you are forced to deal with a competitive market, one in which many of the good and clever brand names are already taken.

I’ve had the long-defunct "Dr. Buzz", your Dr. Pepper alternative, and liked it. I’ve never eaten Fruity-O’s, but I can imagine what they taste like.

And I wonder, Western Family Foods, what your advertising department looks like. Is it just one lonely guy, working out of his basement, watching television ads and surfing the Internet, hoping to find a clever product name and then rip it off into something different enough that it will pass copyright, but derivative enough that it will be clear what he is copying?

Or do you have a team of Rhesus monkeys with a bin of magnetic words and a large fridge that they hurl them at?

I can only imagine it is the latter after stumbling on to this gem of a brand name in the cookie aisle: Blast O’ Chunks.

Really?

I mean….really?

I can give you five names better than that right here, right now.

Blast O’ Chips. Chunks O’ Cookie. Chips Galore. A Ton O’ Chunks. Chunky McCookerson’s Chocolate Explosions.

See? All of them better than Blast O’ Chunks.

I’m not sure if there was a quality control process here, but if so, it failed miserably. As a public service, I’ll act as quality control here and now, so perhaps this problem can be rectified.

This product sounds like a euphemism for vomiting.

That’s right, vomiting.

If the intention is, and I can only assume that it is, to have consumers purchase this product, it needs to convey the idea that it is full of yummy-tasting (presumably) chocolate-chip cookies. As it stands, despite the picture on the box, it sounds like a container full of vomit.

Unsurprisingly, vomit is a poor seller.

I understand the need for products such as this, and in fact, I appreciate it. There are have been several times in which I have found a grocery store brand product to be superior to the "real thing". This may even be one of those cases, but I’ll never know, and neither will anyone else, with a name like this.

While it may not be feasible to alter this product name now that it is on the market, I offer this helpful general suggestion – once the monkeys have finished their shift and gone home for the day, have a human look over their work before sending it straight to printing. In fact, have that human say it out loud a few times, think about what it might look like to have it on millions and millions of boxes. I can just about guarantee you’d sell more Chunky Blasts that way.

Warmest Regards

Letter Sent 11:39am Dec 8, 2009

Western Family Foolishness – The Item

This one doesn’t really require a lot of explanation.

A picture is worth a thousand words, as they say – or in this case, 2 and ¼.

Wow. Just. Wow.

Seriously, Shoppers Drug Mart – The Letter

To Whom it May Concern,

I am long-time and somewhat sporadic customer of your stores. I remember having a Shoppers Drug Mart in my neighbourhood as a child, sterile and over-white, with cheap Christmas gifts and a large pharmacy.

Frankly, the Shoppers Drug Mart was never the place I went for everything I needed, but when I felt sick, or needed a prescription filled, your institutional white floors and buzzing overhead fluorescent lighting called to me. I knew that I would be able to find what I needed, at a fairly decent price.

But as I became older, you began to change. Suddenly, the Shoppers down the street had an entire grocery section and started to sell digital cameras. Odd, I thought, that someone would shop there when Shoppers insisted on building their new stores next to preexisting grocery stores, but I paid it little mind.

And then one day, it happened.

I walked into a store and assumed I must have taken a wrong turn. I retraced my steps, but found only one path leading from the front entry way. I searched in vain for a hidden switch along the wall, or a copy of InStyle Magazine I could pull to reveal a dark passage to the main floor of the store.

Cautiously, I followed the trail laid out for me, and confirmed my worst fears. The entry to the store led to one point and one point only: The Makeup Section.

I've been to other, newer, stores, and this design is repeated again and again. I have only one question – is it your intention to lose business?

As a man, I have no need for makeup products, and thus no need to enter via that section. Ever. I do not buy makeup products for my wife, as that would result in her returning them and marvelling at my lack of a color palette.

Oh but the women! The women, I hear you cry. Are you serious? Most people come to the Shoppers Drug Mart to buy drugs or health products, not cameras, or their weekly groceries, or makeup. Further, many people come into your store sick.

Do you really believe they want to be greeted by the dead-eyed overly made-up harpies that guard your borders when it took them all the courage they had simply to leave the house in the hope that no one would notice them so they could quickly get their medicine and return home to a warm blanket?

And if your intention was to limit thievery by making a choke point entry to the store, does it really make sense to force people into the section of the store containing some of the most expensive items there? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no.

Shoppers Drug Mart, shame on you. No one is served by this change, and it is totally ridiculous. You know it. I know it. Just give it up. I, the women of the country, and the overburdened and overly madeup makeup staff of your stores will thank you.

Warmest Regards

Letter Sent 6:57pm Dec 2, 2009

Seriously, Shoppers Drug Mart – The Incident

So it's March of 2009.

Or maybe it's winter of '08.

Frankly, it doesn't matter. I'd noticed it several times, but there was one particular time that got me really riled up, and I thought – someone should write a letter.

You see, there's a new design among Shoppers Drug Mart stores, one that has been duplicated in every store I've been into in the last year. In this new model, the customer must walk directly through the makeup section to access any of the rest of the store.

How does this make any sense? I, as a man, have no need of makeup. Not every woman heading to the Shoppers Drug Mart, is there to buy makeup. Many people, in fact, go to the Shoppers when they are feeling bad, and look like crap, because Shoppers Drug Mart sells, well, drugs!

This design choice makes no sense and someone needs to tell Shoppers that. I am that someone.

Will it change? Not likely. Ah, but will it change if I do nothing? Not at all. Plus, it won't be as funny.

Take it away, letter number one!

Times, they are a-chagin'

Greetings, world.

Welcome to A Letter from Canadaland, an idea I had a few months ago when walking into a Shopper's Drug Mart.

You see, I'm a Canadian. We Canadians are a helpful, peaceful, and generally clean people. We don't cause any trouble, and we try our hardest to elect the blandest, most banal politicians we can. People often forget we exist, tucked way up here on top of America's head, and that's sort of the way we like it.

Oh, we complain and whine about how Canada isn't getting its due on the global stage, but that's about all we do. We don't bomb people, we don't riot in the streets and flip cars (with a few exceptions – Montréal, I'm looking at you, here), we just get indignant and let it stew up inside our maple-filled and backbacon-coated hearts.

Well, no longer! No longer, I say! I will take up the crusade of all Canadians against stupidity and ridiculousness in a way which is utterly Canadian – The Strongly Worded Letter.

Each week, I will be writing a letter to a company or organization, detailing their utter ridiculousness and what I think they should do about it. This will be a real, honest-to-goodness paper letter that will be postmarked and sent. The reply (if any) will also be posted.

So check back! What did Shopper's Drug Mart do to garner the wrath of Canadaland and begin this wild ride? Only time (and more realistically, this Blog when you come back next week), will tell.