Yup, Canada is Still Here

And we're colder than ever.

That's like our thing, really.

We here at Canadaland Studios are also still here, being outraged, angry, and irrationally annoyed on your behalf. You're welcome, BTW.

We are in the process of getting new material out, but the bills have got to get paid, and shockingly letter writing is not the most lucrative business. Who knew?

But don't give up on us. We're like that plucky Jamaican bobsled team at the 1988 Olympics in Calgary that rose to the top of their field through grit, determination, and luck. And as far as I can tell from watching everything but the last five minutes of "Cool Runnings", they for sure won the gold and carried the day.

Was that a comparison between hurtling down an icy track at blistering speeds and writing an Internet blog? Why yes, yes it was. It's why you love us. We'll be back soon with more stories of ridiculous company shenanigans, so don't go a-changin'.

A Letter Sent...

Apparently does actually equal a letter returned.

Canadaland studios has in fact received a reply from Western Family Foods (more universally known as Overwaitea – which is a hilarious name for a chain of grocery stores, by the way) which is deeply personal and moving.

Or not.

It's an excellent example of a stereotypical form letter, nicely accentuated with what appears to be an actual ink signature. Fancy!

Below is the letter in all of its white bond paper glory, so please enjoy.


The text should be readable if you click on the image, but if it isn't or you don't feel like taking the effort (wow, way to be lazy), here's a transcript:

Overwaitea Food Group

December 22, 2009

Dear Aletterfromcanadaland,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us in regards to our advertising on our Western Family products. We take great pride in our products and always appreciate customer feedback.

Comments have been very positive regarding our product; our continued goal is to provide quality products that meet or exceed our customer's expectations. Hopefully you will continue to enjoy our Western Family items for many years to come.

Once again, thanks for positive feedback. If you have any further comments or questions, please do not hesitate to contact us directly by phone 1 800 242-9229 or by email at customer_service@owfg.com

Sincerely,

Pam, customer service

A few notes on this thing. First, I can't believe my parents named me Aletterfromcanadaland either. What are the chances?

Second, it doesn't look like a job offer to work in their product promotions department is coming my way anytime soon. Oh, they briefly allude to the fact that I wasn't happy with their product and that they disagreed – "comments have been very positive regarding our product" – but that's just their way of saying "you're stupid".

What I quite enjoy is how they thank me for my "positive feedback". I wasn't positive. At all.

My intent wasn't to be negative, either, merely constructive. Slightly offensively constructive, for certain, but constructive none the less. I was in no way excited or positive about their product. Everyone I've spoken to about these cookies agrees they have a terrible name, and honestly, I've never met anyone whose actually eaten them. Take that, "comments have been very positive"!!

Overall, I'm happy with this response, since it fulfills both of the criteria I was looking for.

1) It's a response. 2) It's formulaic, and therefore hilarious. That's what we call a win-win here at Canadaland studios.

XM Radio – The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

In October of 2007 I began using your XM radio service, and it was stellar. You captured me with the gentle strains of uninterrupted adult contemporary and alt-rock bliss.

After the free trial ran out, I purchased a year's subscription, and then a year later, another. Unfortunately, it now seems that your company has veered off the straight and narrow road to radio success and on to the twisting highway of fail.

I pay you to play music. That's it. It's why I pay you. Public radio – which is free, by the way – has commercials and lots of talking which bears no resemblance to music, because it has to pay the bills. I, and the other millions of consumers who pay you, keep you in business.

Let me lay it out. I pay you to play music. I do not, and will never, pay you to have people talk.

But now it’s happened.

Entertainment news on the hits channel? Don't care. Paying to listen to the hits. I have a television, Internet, and iPhone if I want the latest gossip. The "Morning Mash-up" breakfast show? Oh. Dear God. No. One thousand times no.

Maybe your market research was poor, or maybe you just didn't do the math, but the last time a morning show was actually funny was in 1986 in Grand Falls, Montana, at 2:56am when one of the announcers made a slightly humorous pun involving Alan Frew.

Since then, no one in the entire world has found the collection of braying hyenas and caterwauling ravens featured on these kinds of shows anything but eye-gougingly annoying.

I was just too trusting, too naive.

Let me quickly run off how a business works for you, just in case you've missed it, because something sure went wrong somewhere.

1) Make a product people will pay for – this was the innovative idea of paid-for (but commercial and talk-free!) radio.

2) Deliver said product – this was accomplished by developing the XM radio network and actually playing music.

3) Improve said product – adding new channels, even odder types of music, “music” in no definable sense except to three college kids in Eastern Massachusetts, that sort of thing.

4) Don't $#%@ it up – see, this is where there's a disconnect. 1, 2 and 3 are straight forward, but you seem to be using #5, which is not on the list and states

5) Start changing the product to closely resemble one which can be obtained for free. This will convince stupid consumers, who we hate, to keep buying our awesome product due to our inherent awesomeness.

See how that works? Or doesn’t, in your case?

You've failed me, XM, and all of those like me who love music and not talking on the radio they pay for. This money train stops here, and it is never going back into service, not even if the conductor gets one of those jaunty “railroady” type hats. Never!

So adios, XM radio! Keep your morning shows and entertainment news bites. I'll head back to good old public radio. They don't make promises they don't keep. Their forced familiarity and incessant mattress commercials both bore and anger me, but at least I’m not paying for it.

Warmest Regards,

Letter Sent Jan 9, 2010 1:14pm

New Stuff a-comin' – For Reals!

Hello all.

The XM letter is on its way, I promise. Just bear with Canadaland Studios a few more days. As well, I've received my first response from a company – the makers of "Blast o' Chunks" have responded with a well thought-out and deeply personal letter. I'll be posting it in its entirety soon.

So, stay tuned in, don't go away, put that remote down, etc., because we here in Canadaland have much more hilarity to bring.

Post-Holiday Posting

Hi, World.

Just letting you know – I'm still here. Had a printer issue here at the Canadaland studios – in that we don't have one – so, I'm having to outsource my letter printing process. Fear not, however, for a letter shall be up by the end of the week.

In related news, I actually did cancel my XM account. Talked to a real person and everything. He kindly offered to sell me a year's subscription at $96 rather than $120 dollars, which is like saying he was going to charge me only $10 instead of $12 for bottled tap water when there's a working sink down the hall and I have an empty bottle in my hand.

Needless to say, he was rebuffed.