XM Radio – The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

In October of 2007 I began using your XM radio service, and it was stellar. You captured me with the gentle strains of uninterrupted adult contemporary and alt-rock bliss.

After the free trial ran out, I purchased a year's subscription, and then a year later, another. Unfortunately, it now seems that your company has veered off the straight and narrow road to radio success and on to the twisting highway of fail.

I pay you to play music. That's it. It's why I pay you. Public radio – which is free, by the way – has commercials and lots of talking which bears no resemblance to music, because it has to pay the bills. I, and the other millions of consumers who pay you, keep you in business.

Let me lay it out. I pay you to play music. I do not, and will never, pay you to have people talk.

But now it’s happened.

Entertainment news on the hits channel? Don't care. Paying to listen to the hits. I have a television, Internet, and iPhone if I want the latest gossip. The "Morning Mash-up" breakfast show? Oh. Dear God. No. One thousand times no.

Maybe your market research was poor, or maybe you just didn't do the math, but the last time a morning show was actually funny was in 1986 in Grand Falls, Montana, at 2:56am when one of the announcers made a slightly humorous pun involving Alan Frew.

Since then, no one in the entire world has found the collection of braying hyenas and caterwauling ravens featured on these kinds of shows anything but eye-gougingly annoying.

I was just too trusting, too naive.

Let me quickly run off how a business works for you, just in case you've missed it, because something sure went wrong somewhere.

1) Make a product people will pay for – this was the innovative idea of paid-for (but commercial and talk-free!) radio.

2) Deliver said product – this was accomplished by developing the XM radio network and actually playing music.

3) Improve said product – adding new channels, even odder types of music, “music” in no definable sense except to three college kids in Eastern Massachusetts, that sort of thing.

4) Don't $#%@ it up – see, this is where there's a disconnect. 1, 2 and 3 are straight forward, but you seem to be using #5, which is not on the list and states

5) Start changing the product to closely resemble one which can be obtained for free. This will convince stupid consumers, who we hate, to keep buying our awesome product due to our inherent awesomeness.

See how that works? Or doesn’t, in your case?

You've failed me, XM, and all of those like me who love music and not talking on the radio they pay for. This money train stops here, and it is never going back into service, not even if the conductor gets one of those jaunty “railroady” type hats. Never!

So adios, XM radio! Keep your morning shows and entertainment news bites. I'll head back to good old public radio. They don't make promises they don't keep. Their forced familiarity and incessant mattress commercials both bore and anger me, but at least I’m not paying for it.

Warmest Regards,

Letter Sent Jan 9, 2010 1:14pm

New Stuff a-comin' – For Reals!

Hello all.

The XM letter is on its way, I promise. Just bear with Canadaland Studios a few more days. As well, I've received my first response from a company – the makers of "Blast o' Chunks" have responded with a well thought-out and deeply personal letter. I'll be posting it in its entirety soon.

So, stay tuned in, don't go away, put that remote down, etc., because we here in Canadaland have much more hilarity to bring.

Post-Holiday Posting

Hi, World.

Just letting you know – I'm still here. Had a printer issue here at the Canadaland studios – in that we don't have one – so, I'm having to outsource my letter printing process. Fear not, however, for a letter shall be up by the end of the week.

In related news, I actually did cancel my XM account. Talked to a real person and everything. He kindly offered to sell me a year's subscription at $96 rather than $120 dollars, which is like saying he was going to charge me only $10 instead of $12 for bottled tap water when there's a working sink down the hall and I have an empty bottle in my hand.

Needless to say, he was rebuffed.

XM Radio – Thanks, Chatty Cathy

We Canadians like our music. Whether it's the Canadian National Anthem, the Log Driver's Waltz, or the Hockey Night in Canada theme (see: Canadian National Anthem), we're a musical people.

But we're not big on the talking. Oh, we can talk when we have to, and people around the world love our bland, accent-free delivery, but we'd prefer not to. There are so few of us up here in Canadaland anyway we all know what the other ones are thinking. So, when my wife and I discovered the glory that was XM radio, our Canadian hearts were overjoyed!

It initially came with the purchase of a new car, and we didn't think we'd ever bother extending it beyond the bounds of the free trial afforded us. But then we realized the majesty of the thing. There were so many channels! I could drive to work listening to "The King of Wishful Thinking" and with a quick press of a button, rock out to "Anything for Love" by Meatloaf. And the best part was – no talking!

There were no announcers, telling me what I was listening to, following it up with the promise of weather and traffic in three minutes, and then making some sort of comment which I always assumed was intended to be a joke, but since it was devoid of all matter even remotely considered humorous by any portion of the world's population, I wondered why they bothered.

But XM! Oh, the glory! Oh sure, after the free trial it cost money but it was worth it. I got music but no talking. It was like getting all steak with none of the pesky vegetables.

Of course, it couldn't last. I started to hear, faintly, the strident voice of radio announcers, thin and reedy in the streelit night, calling out the names of songs like some kind of flightless bird's mating call. I began to hear a few comments, obviously intend to garner laughter, but I ignored them – they were as the distant waves on a broken shore to me.

But then it happened. Something so foul, so noxious, that I was surprised my radio didn't melt right off of the dash and puddle in the floor mats below. Something spoken of only in whispers, for fear that to speak its name would bring it's hateful eye upon you.

The morning show.

Even now, it gives me chills. I still remember the day I tuned in to one of my go-to stations, only to find the "classic" combination – two guys and one girl – yakking away, and taking phone calls from listeners. The radio apocalypse had come.

XM, I pay for service. PAY FOR IT. Why on this ever-blackening earth would I pay you for something I can get for free? Let's hope you've got an answer, because a letter is en route. Once you get it, you can talk all about it on your morning shows.

Happy Christmas

Greetings, world.

It's cold up here in Canadaland this Christmas, but rest assured we have not stopped being outraged on your behalf.

I have a few letters ready to go after the holiday season passes, so expect to see them up sometime in the next week or, failing that, after New Years.

No responses yet from any of the first letters sent out, but I expect they're still marvelling at my shining skill and wit. We Canadalandians are a clever people. Very cold, but clever.

So I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a hilarious, anger-filled Boxing Day, resulting in many worthy letter requests.

Cloverdale Paint - The Letter

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing to you on behalf of consumers across this great nation of ours who may have encountered your strange and utterly unfathomable "two-part epoxy policy".

From what I understand, your stores currently adhere to a policy which will not allow them to sell quantities of two-part epoxy to the general public as it is "too volatile".

I've done my homework, via the Interwebs, and strangely I don't see a great many "child dies in preventable epoxy accident" or "man's face melts off while using store-bought epoxy" articles.

Hmm.

But hey, perhaps your company was simply trying to be responsible – to actively prevent any harm from coming to your customers, despite a lack of any real danger. Commendable!

But...wait.

It appears to be that policy of your stores is to refuse to sell the epoxy to an individual, but for a company, it's "how much would you like? Three truckloads? Yessir, right away sir!"

This wouldn't be a particular problem, except your individual customers are being given company forms, with a choice of either a cash or credit sale and told if they simply fill them out, they can have all the epoxy they want, all the time.

So....let's just think this whole thing through.

Customers who want to buy epoxy. Check!

Epoxy being dangerous. Check! (sort of)

Refusal to sell anyone except a company epoxy. Check!

Simple forms to fill out so anyone can create a fake company and buy gallons of (supposedly dangerous) epoxy? Check?

Honestly, Cloverdale, way to download responsibility on to the customer. "Hey!", you can say now, "We had no idea Al-Queda Contracting and Demolition was up to anything untoward! They had the company credit form all filled out!".

And really, how could you be responsible if "I hate my ex-wife and want to blow up her house using epoxy, Inc. (TM)" had purchased ten gallons of epoxy and done just that? I mean, they had a cash form filled out, for crying out loud!

Two-part epoxy is easily purchasable at other supply stores, and without the same rigmarole that takes place at Cloverdale. As a safety measure, this policy is ridiculous, and as a responsibility dump onto the consumer, it's laughable.

Just sell the epoxy, Cloverdale – it's that damn paint thinner that's really the trouble, anyway – that crap is dangerous.

Someone should probably make a form.

Warmest Regards,

Letter Sent 5:17pm Dec 15th, 2009

Cloverdale Paint - The Incident

This one comes from a friend of mine, who was trying to purchase some two-part epoxy which is, you know, for epoxying stuff.

He had intially tried going to Home Depot, which is a whole seperate incident and chain of letters in and of itself. Seriously - if you're going to wear a smock that says "You can do it, we can help", you should probaby know, oh, lets say – where the hell stuff is in the store.

It would go a looong way toward that whole "I can help" concept, rather than it being an "I can stare dumbly at you while you ask where bolts are, then wave vaguely down the length of the store and tell you its in aisle 13 or maybe 112...I think" concept. Great value there, yessir.

Anyhoo....

My friend went to buy some epoxy. As mentioned, Home Depot could not help him (grumble).

So, he went to Cloverdale Paint. And what did they tell him? That they could not sell him the epoxy because it was "too volatile". Now, since it was Halloween and the woman saying this to him was dressed up like a caveperson, it prompted him to say "are you serious?".

She was, sadly.

But, she told him, if he would just care to fill out a company registration form, he could have his epoxy right now! He had his choice: cash account or credit account.

My friend, being the honest soul he is, chose not to create a blantanly fake company and purchase his epoxy. Well done, sir.

But Cloverdale paints - really? You don't want the responsibiliy of selling this apparently "volatile" product to the general public so you just download that responsibilty to the consumer by allowing an immediate cash purchase as long as the customer can come up with a company?

Wait right here, Cloverdale paints lady! I'm going to go to my truck and totally...not...make up a bogus company and then come back in here. Not at all. Gotta go.

Enjoy your letter, Cloverdale. It's deserved.